Posts Tagged: fear

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From “Inflammatory Essays” by Jenny Holzer. Explanation¬†here.

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I used to have an illness. It plagued me night and day, affecting my everyday life and leaving me limited and restricted. It was a heavy weight on my shoulders that I could never lift.

I was afraid… of neighbors.

Now I didn’t think they were going to attack me or anything; I’m sure all my neighbors were very nice people. Sure they were American, but they were harmless. That wasn’t why I was afraid of them.

I was afraid that they would be… watching me. When people walked down my street and I could see them out my window, I would look at them out my window. So what would stop people from watching me if I chose to hang outside? Nothing. That’s what. They would see me, know what I was doing, watch me, and I was creeped out. The thought of people watching me kept me locked inside my house most of the time.¬†

Now if I had to be outside, I would go outside- If I had to mow the lawn or walk to my car or anything like that, I didn’t mind. I also didn’t mind if there were other people with me. But I never, ever, was able to just chill outside in the nice summer air, maybe taking a nap in the sun on a beautiful afternoon. I couldn’t do it. The neighbors could be watching me, thinking- “what is that girl doing?” I couldn’t risk it.¬†

One time I really, really wanted to take a nap out in the sun. So I grabbed our lawn blanket and walked around our house, trying to find a place that was not visible to our neighbors or the road. Alas, I lived in a development, with neighbors on every side. There was nowhere to run- nowhere to hide. I tried to lie down for a little but my pulsed started to race and I started to sweat, so I dashed inside. It was too uncomfortable. I was defeated once again.

Thankfully, I think Grebel cured me of this; after living with so many people for so long, I don’t care anymore. In fact, tomorrow I think I may just sit out on a lawn chair in the sun and read a nice book, just because I can. I have finally overcome my debilitating fear that has plagued me for so long. I can finally enjoy the great outdoors without caring that people can see me and wonder what I’m doing. I’m finally free! Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I’m free at last!